Top Ten List
Today with only 237 more days till the November Elections, it’s the Top Ten Things on Judge Alex Triantafilou’s (pronounced “Alex”) to-do list when he takes over the Hamilton County Republican Party this morning:
10. Start mending fences with all those local GOP organizations
9. Put up a “No RINOs” sign on the front door.
8. Finish writing all those letters apologizing for the Party’s official spokesman Bill Cunningham’s disgraceful performance at the McCain rally.
7. Have John Williams at the Board of Elections check to see if Ghizzy Lizzy took a DemocRAT ballot again and void That Lying Plagiarizing Meddling Overblown Tax-and-Spend RINO Bitch Mean Jean “Hoffman” Schmidt’s endorsement.
6. See how long it takes for the McCain campaign to call and suck up.
5. Ask Steve Chabothead’s barber to do something about that spit curl.
4. Have the Party’s books audited.
3. Take that goofy picture of Temporary Hamilton County RINO Party Boss George Vincent off the Party website and put up that one of himself with the Bush babes instead.
2. Call Charles Foster Kane to see if Our Beloved Publisher can squeeze “JayWalking Joe” Deters and him in for lunch at the Boathouse today.
…And the Number One Thing on Judge Alex Triantafilou’s (pronounced “Alex”) to-do list when he takes over the Hamilton County Republican Party this morning is…call his bailiff at the courthouse and tell him he won’t be in today.
The Only Other Story That Matters Today
In Washington , our DC Newsbreaker says today’s top story is all about New York Governor Eliot Spitzer’s Prostitution Scandal. Monday, he showed up with his wife at a press conference to apologize. When he was running for office, Spitzer promised to bring all the prostitutes to their knees. Is the New York Post having a field day yesterday or what?
Hillary didn’t want to comment on Spitzer’s scandal. After all, he’s one of her superdelegates.
Noting the way some people in the news media keep bringing up Bill Clinton’s Lewinskys in the Oval Office, especially since Spitzer’s sexcapades occurred at the Mayflower, the same hotel where Monica was probed, Hillary says, “I hope Spitzer’s hooker wasn’t wearing a blue dress.
In a related item, Cincinnati ’s Dainty DemocRAT Mayor Mark Mallory says, “I hope they don’t start investigating Obama’s superdelegates to see what’s in our closets.
Odd Todd Opportune wondered how much it would cost for a blow job on the pitcher’s mound on Opening Day.
Hamilton County Prosecutor “Jaywalking Joe” Deters says “Spitzer was listed as ‘Client #9.’ My philandering prosecutor predecessor Mike Allen called himself “Horn Dog 81, which is evenly divisible by nine. What a coincidence.”
Bobby Leach says, “Did she swallow, or was she a Spitzer?”
David Letterman did the Top Ten Eliot Spitzer Excuses.
Spitzer wanted unsafe sex. “I wonder if he paid her to strap on a dildo and stick it where the sun don’t shine like I did,” quipped Jerry Springer, who’s scheduled to be the guest of honor at the Hamilton County Demo-Labor Party’s Century Club Reception on March 25
Our Quote for the Day Committee reports it’s no wonder former Mayor Quisling Charlie Luken always said, "I wish you the money of a Republican and the sex-life of a DemocRAT!" The former Mrs. Quisling says, “If Charlie had only had the Republican part of that wish, he might still be married.”
Hurley the Historian reports Rob “Fighting for Failed Legacies” Portman says it reminds him of the first time he went to Washington and got that Patton Boggs & Blow job.
Debra from Anderson says she saw three good headlines on the internet: The Sundries Shack blog’s "It's Never Good When 'Prostitutes' and 'New York Governor Appear in the Same Headline," Out West blog’s "Dem NY Governor Is Alleged Whorehopper," and Moonbattery blog’s "Eliot Spitzer Discovers Another Downside of Capitalism." We liked the one on ScrappleFace: Shocker: NY Governor Brings Cash to D.C., Leaves It.
Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says $4,300 sounds like a lot for a blow job. You could buy an engagement ring for that much. In DC, $4,300 gets you a Valley Girl like Kristen, who says, “Listen dude, you, like, want the, the, sex?”
Kenton County Commonwealth Attorney E. Rob Sanders says based on police reports, prostitutes in Covington charge somewhere in the $15-$30 range for blow jobs, depending on the number of teeth remaining in the hooker's head. But Phyllis on Madison says guys who count on their wives for such services pay about 1,000 times that rate in one way or another.
And talk about great timing, Our Fair Fishwrapper Amanda VanBenshoten reports criminal charges have been brought against the two co-owners, a bartender and five dancers at Succubus Tavern after a police investigation revealed acts of prostitution and other illegal activities there, and the CamBoozler bets those blow jobs didn’t cost $4,300.
Goof Doofus wonders if Spitzer’s Valentine’s Day Eve Tryst was the first and only time.
Horny in Hebron says that hooker web site was overloaded all 83 times I tried to log on.
Bluegrass Dems say this was a private matter and it’s not like he was gay or anything.
Now here’s a song parody we found on the internet.
PROSTITUTIN' SPITZ
Tune: "Puttin' on the Ritz"
If you're guv
And wish you knew
Where to get love
Why don't you do
Like hypocrites
Prostitutin' Spitz
Girls with names
You find out after
Play their games
And soon you hafta
Call it quits
Prostitutin' Spitz
Hooked up with a thousand-dollar hooker
Now you're stuck inside the pressure cooker
Lookin' snookered
Call-girl tricks
Of pure excitement
Pay for kicks
With your indictment
Paging Fitz
Prosecutin' Spitz
Have you seen the prostitute
Chargin' high and lookin' cute
You're a famous VIP
Now we write your RIP
Phone calls
And wiretapping
Net fallsIt's you they're trapping
Spendin' lots of cash
For a thrill and a rash
If you're guv
And wish you knew
Where to get love
Why don't you do
Like hypocrites
Prostitutin' Spitz
Girls with names
You find out after
Play their games
And soon you hafta
Call it quits
Prostitutin' Spitz
Hooked up with a thousand-dollar hooker
Now you're stuck inside the pressure cooker
Lookin' snookered
Call-girl tricks
Of pure excitement
Pay for kicks
With your indictment
Paging Fitz
Prosecutin' Spitz
(Wiretapdancing)
Hooked up with a thousand-dollar hooker
Now you're stuck inside the pressure cooker
Lookin' snookered
If you're guv
And wish you knew
Where to get loveWhy don't you do
Like hypocrites
Prostitutin' Spitz
Prostitutin' Spitz
Prostitutin' Spitz
Prostitutin' Spitz
Not only that, we also have a DFU SING-ALONG called “Eliot Spitzer - Love Potion No. 9”
Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially scumbag politicians who no longer find their wives sexually appealing but don’t have the stones to get divorced because of the electoral backlash.
PUBLIC OFFICIALS WHO’VE PAID FOR SEX HOT LINE
e-mail your check stubs and credit card receipts today.
Some vile-and-disgusting items in today's Blower were sent in by our equally vile-and-disgusting subscribers
To be considered for an e-mail subscription to The Whistleblower Newswire, persons of consequence anywhere in the world may apply by e-mailing requests to whistleblower@cinci.rr.com.
Link of the Day
Late Night Comics’ Takes on the Spitzer Scandal
Remember: you can still be offended by the Blower on the Internet at The Cincinnatus Standard
